Alden Richards. Half-naked, biting into a tuna sandwich like he’s billing me per hour. The tuna ad? Softcore porn, basically. Abs. Sweat. That look in his eyes—parang sinasabi niya, you know you want this.
Yes. Yes, Alden. I do.
But not the tuna.
Protein? Always. Destroying the ocean? Hard pass.
Tuna has protein, sure. But so do chickpeas aka garbanzos, tofu, tempeh, seitan—same gains, zero ocean apocalypse. Not preaching here, just saying: the options exist if you want them.
Tuna on the Brink
Yellowfin tuna in the Indian Ocean? Down 70% from sustainable levels (ScienceDirect, 2023). Southern bluefin? Down a brutal 96% from their original numbers (Our World in Data, 2023). Overfishing’s been gutting stocks for decades, and it’s not slowing down.
Then there’s the fishing gear. Since 2007, over 1.4 million floating nets and traps—mostly plastic—have been dumped in the oceans (FAO, 2023). These “ghost nets” drift for years, snagging sharks, turtles, baby fish, and coral—like plastic assassins with no off switch. The ocean’s basically a landfill with waves.
And microplastics? Tuna are literally swimming in our trash. Hot in ads, grim in reality.
Climate Change and Trash = Tag-Team Chaos
Warmer waters from climate change are pushing tuna northward, scrambling ecosystems (NOAA, 2023). Ghost nets keep drifting, killing for years. Microplastics float like confetti at a cursed rave. Add overfishing, and it’s a tag-team disaster.
Alden’s flexing in 4K, but the oceans? Gasping. This June, the second round of the Global Plastics Treaty (INC-2) tackles plastic waste at the source. Because, real talk: no ocean survives this double whammy of overfishing and plastic soup.
Vegan “Tuna” Sandwich: Optional, Rebellious, Still Sexy
Going vegan isn’t soft—it’s bold, a bit punk, and honestly, more masculine than people think. Flexing without proving a damn thing. (Though for Alden’s unattainable abs, I’d bend backward, forward, and sideways.)
And don’t worry—plant-based here in the PH doesn’t have to drain your wallet. Jackfruit adobo. Tofu sisig. Kare-kare with tempeh. Carinderia hack: “Tita, gulay lang, tofu, na may extra maanghang na dipping sauce.” Sarap, guilt-free, still jacked.
Plant-based isn’t just about food—it’s about signalling you care without looking soft. Imagine Alden’s unattainable abs, now paired with a chickpea bowl or tempeh sisig: flexing, sustainable, and making a statement. You get the gains, the flavour, and yes, a little moral flex for the planet. It’s rebellion you can chew, and nobody’s judging if you still love tuna on occasion. You do you. This isn’t about being holier-than-thou—it’s about choices. Choices that might just be sexier than Alden’s dimples.
Influence is a Weapon (and Alden Richards Has It)
Alden’s got reach, charm, abs—the works. One post of him eating a chickpea sandwich? Half the country would be Googling “vegan adobo” before lunch. That’s influence. Not preaching—just flexing a better option while still being the pambansang thirst trap.
Maybe. Just Maybe. Skip the tuna.
Alden, keep flexing, keep smirking, keep being that unattainable eye candy. Next time, though—if you’re feeling adventurous—maybe try plant-based. Protein-packed, plastic-free, guilt-free… still dripping fantasy energy. Or don’t. Your call. Oceans will fight to survive.
And me? I’ll fight my urges—or not. Now, where’s my lube?
Food and Agriculture Organization of the United Nations. (2023). Ghost gear: The abandoned fishing nets haunting our oceans. https://www.fao.org/
National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. (2023). Climate impacts on global fisheries. https://www.noaa.gov/
Our World in Data. (2023). Global fisheries and aquaculture. https://ourworldindata.org/
ScienceDirect. (2023). Status of yellowfin tuna stocks in the Indian Ocean. Fisheries Research. https://www.sciencedirect.com/
United Nations Environment Programme. (2023). Third session of the Intergovernmental Negotiating Committee on Plastic Pollution (INC-3). https://www.unep.org/
Chickpea “Tuna” Sandwich
Ingredients
- 1 can chickpeas drained and rinsed
- 2 tbsp vegan mayo (slick and glossy, like a good personality)
- 1 tsp Dijon mustard (sharp enough to wake the dead)
- 1 stalk small celery, finely chopped (adds crunch, like life lessons)
- 1 small red onion, finely minced (because subtlety is overrated)
- 1 tsp capers, chopped (for briny surprises)
- 1 tsp lemon juice
- Salt and black pepper, to taste (because rules exist for a reason)
- Bread of choice (rainbow bagel optional for full glory)
- Lettuce or greens, optional garnish (because presentation counts)
Instructions
- Mash with flair.In a bowl, mash the chickpeas with a fork until chunky but not completely smooth. Think “messy perfection”—Alden when he just got up from bed.
- Mix the magic.Add vegan mayo, Dijon mustard, celery, onion, capers, and lemon juice. Stir like you mean it. Taste and season with salt and pepper. Adjust for tang or extra “je ne sais quoi.”
- Assemble.Spread the chickpea mixture generously onto your chosen bread. Rainbow bagel, crusty sourdough, or whatever you can grab—it’s your stage. Top with lettuce or greens if you’re feeling fancy.
- Serve hot or cold.Slice in half for drama, or leave whole for rebellion. This sandwich is best enjoyed with a side of smug satisfaction.
- Devour with pride.Take a bite. Let the creamy, briny, slightly crunchy filling remind you that vegan lunches can be sexy, messy, and completely worth the effort.